A Hatred For Pumpkin Spice Was Born & Other Lies

Current local temperature in New Orleans: a cool 78 degrees with 81% humidity. Nighttime temps hover around 70. It’s finally fall!

falllongisland
This is not New Orleans

I was thinking about how our favorite seasons shift from childhood to adulthood. Ask most children what their favorite season is and we know it ain’t fall for obvious reasons. The basic bitch that exists deep deep down inside of me automatically quips, but, but… pumpkin spice! Fucking pumpkin spice.

Now I’m going to reveal something that should be really embarrassing but isn’t at all because I’ve given up embarrassment for Lent, I mean life. A long time ago, at least 15-17 years, I used to buy my coffee from Porto Rico Imports. Naturally this is long before the infamous PSL even existed, but Porto Rico had a section of flavored coffees that they’d infuse with actual fruits, spices and flavors like coconut, chocolate raspberry and– wait for it– pumpkin spice. And wouldn’t you know it, pumpkin spice soon became a favorite. I’d buy a pound of it and a pound of a dark roast and grind them together to make my favorite brew. But one day that all changed. I placed my order and the hipster behind the counter actually sneered at me as he exclaimed, “Pumpkin spice?!” with such a degree of derision, I changed my order then and forevermore. Oh wait, I actually didn’t ever change my order. Fuck you, little man. But, OK, that was the defining moment when I realized that perhaps pumpkin spice wasn’t for everyone.

psl
I only drink homemade PSLs 

Fast forward 10 years and Starbucks creates an acronym and a sensation. Women in Uggs everywhere would soon be unable to divorce inappropriately flavored items from the mere mention of fall. I think I saw pumpkin spice dental floss recently but I might be wrong. I’ll be honest and say that I don’t buy a hell of a lot of pumpkin spice flavored things. It’s gotten out of hand, people! But I can’t deny that I have delightful visions of that coffee shop twerp puking every time he walks into a Trader Joes or Target. Choke on a pumpkin spice flavored Oreo, motherfucker.

If like me, you live in a subtropical climate, you know that a traditional “fall” probably doesn’t really kick in until mid November.

myoutdooroffice
My Outdoor Office

In the meantime, though, we can light a fire in the fire pit, jet up the jacuzzi and drink red wine and pretend. I dream of the day when I can again open my windows for the first time in 4 or 5 months and allow in the fresh & not fall-like at all air in when the temps get below 80 degrees.

Otherwise, there’s travel to chillier places of course.

My mom’s birthday is October 8, so I typically take a long weekend trip home to New York where the temps are perfect for light jackets and not anywhere near what they’ll be when I go home at Christmas when it’s brutally cold. Leaves will not really be turning quite yet, but since I’ll be back during Thanksgiving for my cousin’s wedding, I’ll get the full leafy treatment (see photo of autumnal Long Island above). Next week, I’ll be in full-on fall mode and I’ll be taking advantage of every second of it.

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